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Suraj Pancholi, 22, is deeply emotional, strong-
headed, does not drink or smoke and is calm even
when provoked. He always knew that while his parents
did not share a good marriage, they could both give
their lives for him, but today he loves them more than
ever before. He has his father's heart and his mother's
brains. For the first time ever, he opens up to TOI
about his girlfriend Nafisa Khan he still loves and his
23-day ordeal in jail. Excerpts:
Let's talk about your 23-day jail ordeal?
I got a call from the police station saying, 'Suraj,
please come for interrogation to Juhu police station.' I
got ready and got down my building where these four
people put me in a car and drove me to the police
station where I was arrested. They took my phone,
iPad, drives and laptop that I have still not got back. I
was in the Santacruz lock-up for four days. I live alone
in Juhu and had not met my parents till then. For
those four days, I did not have a bath or brush my
teeth, remained in the same clothes, had no pillow or a
blanket. There was one wall fan and I shared Odomos
with the guy who I shared the cell with. There was pee
on the floor on both sides as the guy I was sharing the
cell with was 20 and told me he had raped two girls
and was a drug addict. There would be vomit on both
sides and paan and tambaku spat on the floor. They
did not let me talk to my family in the lock-up for
those four days and I first met my mom on the fourth
day in court. I did not get to talk to her, but just took
a sip from the water she was carrying. I was then taken
to Arthur Road jail that is considered one of the
dirtiest jails. People say if you have gone through
Arthur Road jail, you can go through any jail in India.
Tihar is like a five-star in comparison. Initially, the
hygiene would bother me but I got used to it in my
first few days.
Talk about Arthur Road Jail?
People who have been in that jail for long are better
than the best lawyers in the country. They were
amused by the fact that I was in for such a kachcha
case for which there was no proof. There are about 10
gangs there and fights and stabbing take place
routinely. I saw them stabbing each other using
spoons. Before I went in, they knew I was coming in. I
was kept in what they called the 'unda cell' where
they put the biggest terrorists. Kasab's room had been
just adjacent to mine. It's a large secure egg-shaped
cell with seven sub-cells and anyone in each of these
cells can see others within the unda cell. In my cell,
there were two older non-criminal men, one was a
builder and the other, an income tax professional.
They put me with them so that I would not be stabbed
or subjected to extortion outside. During my days in
Arthur Road Jail, I was not allowed to step out of my
cell and was served food there as they felt it would be
dangerous for me if I went out. 16-year-old kids were
sexually abused there. We had just one fan outside our
cell. The light was always kept on during the night
and day and these were big lights on your face.
What were your thoughts emotionally while you were in
jail?
I had no fear or guilt and in my heart I knew that just
because we had broken up, it could not be considered
wrong. I used to help her and have saved her life a
couple of times before, so I knew I would get out. But I
was in shock that my girlfriend was not there any
more. The police interrogation, jail food, hygiene was a
small price to pay as someone's life had gone. I did
not cry in front of my parents as I knew they would feel
bad. I cried when I came back home hugging my
pillow.
Let's talk about your relationship with Jiah Khan?
I met her through Facebook 10 months back. She was a
really nice person, quiet, small things made her happy,
caring, but she was too possessive even about my guy
friends. We went twice for dinner and then a week
later, I get a message saying, 'Sooraj, I need help. My
hand is bleeding. Can you come over?' I was in town
and she stayed in Sagar Sangeet Juhu (three minutes
from my house), so I sent my staff to her house at
11.30 at night. She opened the door and fainted. She
had slit her hand at the elbow like 3 inches. I was 21
then. By the time I went there, the doctor had stitched
her up and she was on drips. I was with her, but she
did not speak. After a few days, I called her mother up
in London and introduced myself. I told her, 'Aunty,
Nafisa is under depression and she needs you and her
sisters to look after her and be with her. I have met
her only twice and she has called me'. She said, 'Beta,
I will come in two months, but please take care of her'.
But she took four months to come. During those four
months, I fell in love with Nafisa. I could relate to her
as I too, like her, lived alone and could see what she
was going through. She would tell me how she was
depressed due to not getting work, her relationship
with her family not being good, the fact that her father
had disowned her and that she supported herself. She
told me about her getting abused by her former
boyfriends and how an older man had raped her when
she was 14 in London and how at one point in her life,
she would get only one meal a day. I fell even more for
her. She just needed more love from her family and
respect from people around. I could not fulfil all of that,
though I did more than a 21-year-old could. She would
cry every night. She could never be alone after she met
me and would come to my house often.
Initially, even my father did not approve of her as she
had a really sexy image, but he was fine after I made
him meet her. I attended several classes from morning
8 to evening 8, getting trained for my film, but she had
trust issues even though I trusted her completely. I
would sometimes make her talk to my sir to prove to
her that I was in class. Then it reached a point where
she would accompany me for my classes. I was fine
even with that. I sat her down one day and said,
'Nafisa, you know what, I am an Indian boy, I have
seen a lot in my family, am trying to take care of you,
you cry to me everyday, I am four years younger to you
and in spite of what you have told me about yourself, I
still love you, so please start trusting me. I love you
even more than my mother or father or sister. Even if I
don't meet you for three days my love will only
increase.'
Every night during the seven months we were seeing
each other she would cry, barring three nights — once
when we were in Goa, my birthday and her birthday.
She had a depression problem and had been for
counselling before and she told me she had even tried
to hang herself before. Till now also, I have respect for
her mother and really wish I could ask her that does
she really believe I have done something as she knows
what I have done for Nafisa. One day she told me,
'Suraj, I am not getting my periods. Can we go to a
doctor?' We went to this doctor, who gave her a pill
saying she would get it. We went back home and
everything was normal. When the police asked her
family doctor if I was there at the time of abortion,
they denied it. The police asked me and I said, 'Sir, we
had a physical relationship. She did not tell me about
her pregnancy. If it can be proven that it was mine, I
will accept it otherwise it is not mine as I can't say'.
Let's talk about your own family?
I used to stay with my grandparents in Juhu from the
beginning and my sister lived with my parents. They
both died five years back and so, since the age of 16, I
live alone with my four dogs. My parents initially lived
in Bandra and now live in Seven Bungalows. I could
take care of myself that is why I was so good in jail. I
miss both my grandparents today. There was some
energy supporting me in jail. I don't know whether it
was Nafisa or my grandparents. I know that she would
not want me to go through this. If the mother blames
me, I should tell her that I did not take her life. In fact,
I gave her extension of life by 10 months. Had I not
been there in her life, she would have tried this and
succeeded earlier.
Why did you break up?
A month before Nafisa passed away, she came to my
house at 8 in the morning crying. She said, 'I have had
a fight with my mother' and had small cut marks on
her hand. I left her with my friend Karan and without
telling her, went across to meet her mother. I asked
her mother, 'Aunty, did you have a fight with Nafisa?
Did you hit her?' She said, 'No, I have never hit my
daughter'. I told her I am no one to come between
them both but just wanted her to know that her
daughter was not doing well and needed medical
assistance and her help and that I was trying my best
to help her. Her mother told me, 'Beta, she does this
only for attention. Thank you for coming here. Her ex-
boyfriends have also run away from her but she will
not kill herself and has been doing this from when she
was 11'.
I told Nafisa that I had met her mother. She went to
her house and I get a message from her mother saying,
'Suraj, I don't want you to be involved with my
daughter'. Apart from the fact that I did not want her to
break off with her mother because of me, I was also
tired of her daily crying and distrusting me and told
her I could not deal with it anymore and reduced my
interaction with her by half in the last 20 days. Just
before she died on Monday, she called me on Saturday
to say, 'I am going to Hyderabad. I am going to get a
film and just want you to spend this Sunday with me'.
I told her okay, but I don't want to go through the
trauma of separation again so this would be the last
Sunday together.
I sent her a bouquet on Monday morning saying, 'All
the best'. She again called me on Monday evening
saying, 'I want to meet you'. I said, 'I can't meet you'
and sent her a message saying, 'Nafisa, let's not do
this' and put my phone off. And that's the last time I
spoke to her. Two hours later, my father told me about
her committing suicide. When she died he cried more
than me when he realised that he could have tried to
help her, had he known about her problems earlier. Her
committing suicide was not a shock to me, but I cried
when I entered her building as I used to pick her up
from there.
Do you still miss her?
Yes, everything in my house reminds me of her. She
was a beautiful person from inside and outside. She
should have just waited for better things to have come
to her in her life and it's unfair for her to have just left
me and gone away. I couldn't really help her. I am still
focused and the only thing that has changed is that
my love for my parents and sister has increased. I have
always been calm as a person, but even the 5% anger I
may have had in my life has gone away.
Your name will be associated with hers for life?
I don't mind if my name is associated with her all my
life as my heart is still connected with her's. I still love her.
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